it's been some time since my last post.

it's been 2 months since my grandmother passed away. my son and i went to new orleans for the funeral. it was hard for me. i had to be around my family when i wasn't feeling the best. there have always been great memories for me about her. she made our family...she made everything about our family life great...she was the heart of everything. most of my childhood meemories are interlinked through her. she was amazing without even knowing it. when i moved away i never stayed in touch the way that i should have. she slipped through the cracks of the day to day. there were times that i tried giving my life here in colorado that same meaning and closeness that she gave to me but could never accomplish it fully. so it was jsut dropped. now there is this funk that floats around me when i think back to her. not being a better granddaughter...which leads me to not be a better daughter, wife, mother and person. everyday i pray that i will find the joy of life and pass it forward. lately that seems impossible. i break promises to myself daily and jsut beat myself up. these excuses can no longer take place. there has to be a stand taken it has to be strong and unwavering.

i'm reading "eat, pray, love" by elizabeth gilbert. for me it's about god and finding that connection that is raging inside. just read this paragraph..."i thought about my favorite sufi poems, which says that god long ago drew a circle in the sand exactly around the spot where you are standing right now." this spot where i am is full of doubt and discomfort i need to find that road that leads me back to a clearing and live a life full of love, caring and acceptance. for now i must work through this disappointment that is were i need to be. there has to be faith. that blind faith that comes with believing that god exists in evrything and everyone.