it's been some time since my last post.

it's been 2 months since my grandmother passed away. my son and i went to new orleans for the funeral. it was hard for me. i had to be around my family when i wasn't feeling the best. there have always been great memories for me about her. she made our family...she made everything about our family life great...she was the heart of everything. most of my childhood meemories are interlinked through her. she was amazing without even knowing it. when i moved away i never stayed in touch the way that i should have. she slipped through the cracks of the day to day. there were times that i tried giving my life here in colorado that same meaning and closeness that she gave to me but could never accomplish it fully. so it was jsut dropped. now there is this funk that floats around me when i think back to her. not being a better granddaughter...which leads me to not be a better daughter, wife, mother and person. everyday i pray that i will find the joy of life and pass it forward. lately that seems impossible. i break promises to myself daily and jsut beat myself up. these excuses can no longer take place. there has to be a stand taken it has to be strong and unwavering.

i'm reading "eat, pray, love" by elizabeth gilbert. for me it's about god and finding that connection that is raging inside. just read this paragraph..."i thought about my favorite sufi poems, which says that god long ago drew a circle in the sand exactly around the spot where you are standing right now." this spot where i am is full of doubt and discomfort i need to find that road that leads me back to a clearing and live a life full of love, caring and acceptance. for now i must work through this disappointment that is were i need to be. there has to be faith. that blind faith that comes with believing that god exists in evrything and everyone.

march 11, 2010

stopped at the grocery store this morning. on the way out there was this elderly couple walking in front of me. they were holding hands. it amazes me that love can with stand any hurdles that come at a couple. that is with one exception- that you truly love each other and communicate. i found love at a late age 31. so happy that it came then and not earlier. when i was younger i had the Midas touch but nothing turned to gold everything withered. the dreams and people that were dear to my heart all found something/one else. there i was alone and desperate, as i so often was, and had to find a way to believe that what i wanted could be found. then he came along. this love opened my eyes and gave my life a new beginning. for me the meaning of life is love. love that i found inside of myself for myself that transformed into being able to love what was being searched for. there is no going back once you have filled your heart with sticky love.

p.s. these pictures were not taken in '05. they were taken in '09 december.

march 9, 2010

spring is springing into our home. there is a new air that is breezing through our days. next week is spring break- a whole week with my little guy. this little is a joy so full of life and QUESTIONS. some mornings ago i had to describe the banking system and opening your own business on the way to school. then there all the questions about god and heaven. those are hard because you want to give thoughtful answers in thought provoking ways. so, a week with him will bring some thoughtfulness every waking moment.
i take these daily walks through the park in the mornings. they help clear out the junk that has accumulated in the evening and morning. it brings such joy to my day. without these walks there would just be mounds of clutter to dig through with no way out. thank you God for giving me the ability to walk and enjoy the day.